What Every BODY is Saying

Nonverbal behaviors comprise approximately 60 to 65 percent of all interpersonal communication

“Eye-blocking” is a nonverbal behavior that can occur when we feel threatened and/or don’t like what we see. Squinting (as in the case with my classmates, described above) and closing or shielding our eyes are actions that have evolved to protect the brain from “seeing” undesirable images and to communicate our disdain toward others.

Nonverbal communication can also reveal a person’s true thoughts, feelings, and intentions. For this reason, nonverbal behaviors are sometimes referred to as tells (they tell us about the person’s true state of mind).

Always try to watch people for multiple tells—behaviors that occur in clusters or in succession. Your accuracy in reading people will be enhanced when you observe multiple tells, or clusters of behavior body signals on which to rely.

It’s important to look for changes in a person’s behavior that can signal changes in thoughts, emotions, interest, or intent.

In order to ensure our survival, the brain’s very elegant response to distress or threats, has taken three forms: freeze, flight, and fight.

First defense of the limbic system, was to use the freeze response in the presence of a predator or other danger. Movement attracts attention; by immediately holding still upon sensing a threat, the limbic brain caused us to react in the most effective manner possible to ensure our survival.

Freezing your movement can often make you nearly invisible to others, a phenomenon every soldier and SWAT team operator learns.

In our modern society, the freeze response is employed more subtly in everyday life. You can observe it when people are caught bluffing or stealing, or sometimes when they are lying.

Not only have we, as humans, learned to freeze in the face of observed or perceived danger, but others around us have learned to copy our behavior and freeze their behavior also, even without seeing the threat. This mimicry or isopraxism (same movement) evolved because it was critical to communal survival, as well as social harmony, within the human species

A similar manifestation of the limbic freeze occurs during interviews when people hold their breath or their breathing becomes very shallow.

The “turtle effect” (shoulders rise toward the ears) is often seen when people are humbled or suddenly lose confidence.

When the freeze response is not adequate to eliminate the danger or is not the best course of action (e.g., the threat is too close), the second limbic response is to get away by use of the flight response.

Blocking behaviors may manifest in the form of closing the eyes, rubbing the eyes, or placing the hands in front of the face. The person may also distance herself from someone by leaning away, placing objects (a purse) on her lap, or turning her feet toward the nearest exit. All of these behaviors are controlled by the limbic brain and indicate that someone wants distance from one or more undesirable persons or any perceived threat in the environment.

People lean away from each other subconsciously when they disagree or feel uncomfortable around each other.

The fight response is the limbic brain’s final tactic for survival through aggression. When a person confronting danger cannot avoid detection by freezing and cannot save himself by distancing or escaping (flight), the only alternative left is to fight.

Eye blocking is a very powerful display of consternation, disbelief, or disagreement.

An overheated argument is essentially “fighting” by nonphysical means. The use of insults, ad hominem phrases, counterallegations, denigration of professional stature, goading, and sarcasm are all, in their own ways, the modern equivalents of fighting, because they are all forms of aggression.

Behaviors that signal discomfort (e.g., leaning away, a frown, and crossed or tense arms) are usually followed by the brain enlisting the hands to pacify

Neck touching and/or stroking is one of the most significant and frequent pacifying behaviors we use in responding to stress.

Pacifying behaviors take many forms. When stressed, we might soothe our necks with a gentle massage, stroke our faces, or play with our hair. This is done automatically. Our brains send out the message, “Please pacify me now,” and our hands respond immediately, providing an action that will help make us comfortable again.

All these pacifying behaviors satisfy the same requirement of the brain; that is, the brain requires the body to do something that will stimulate nerve endings, releasing calming endorphins in the brain, so that the brain can be soothed

Covering of the neck dimple pacifies insecurities, emotional discomfort, fear, or concerns in real time. Playing with a necklace often serves the same purpose.

Rubbing of the forehead is usually a good indicator that a person is struggling with something or is undergoing slight to severe discomfort.

Neck touching takes place when there is emotional discomfort, doubt, or insecurity.

Cheek or face touching is a way to pacify when nervous, irritated, or concerned.

Exhaling with puffed out cheeks is a great way to release stress and to pacify. Notice how often people do this after a near mishap.

For our purposes, any touching of the face, head, neck, shoulder, arm, hand, or leg in response to a negative stimulus (e.g., a difficult question, an embarrassing situation, or stress as a result of something heard, seen, or thought) is a pacifying behavior. These stroking behaviors don’t help us to solve problems; rather, they help us to remain calm while we do. In other words, they soothe us. Men prefer to touch their faces. Women prefer to touch their necks, clothing, jewelry, arms, and hair.

Men adjust their ties to deal with insecurities or discomfort. It also covers the suprasternal notch.

Neck touching and/or stroking is one of the most significant and frequent pacifying behaviors we use in responding to stress.

This area is rich with nerve endings that, when stroked, reduce blood pressure, lower the heart rate, and calm the individual down

Men are more robust in their pacifying behaviors, grasping or cupping their necks just beneath the chin with their hands, thereby stimulating the nerves (specifically, the vagus nerves or the carotid sinus) of the neck, which in turn slow the heart rate down and have a calming effect. Sometimes men will stroke the sides or the back of the neck with their fingers, or adjust their tie knot or shirt collar (see figure 15).

Women pacify differently. For example, when women pacify using the neck, they will sometimes touch, twist, or otherwise manipulate a necklace, if they are wearing one (see box 11). As mentioned, the other major way women neck pacify is by covering their suprasternal notch with their hand.

Watch a couple as they converse at a table. If the woman begins to play with her necklace, most likely she is a little nervous. But if she transitions her fingers to her neck dimple (suprasternal notch), chances are there is an issue of concern to her or she feels very insecure.

Touching or stroking the face is a frequent human pacifying response to stress. Motions such as rubbing the forehead; touching, rubbing, or licking the lip(s); pulling or massaging the earlobe with thumb and forefinger; stroking the face or beard; and playing with the hair all can serve to pacify an individual when confronting a stressful situation.

Whistling can be a pacifying behavior. Some people whistle to calm themselves when they are walking in a strange area of a city or down a dark, deserted corridor or road. Some people even talk to themselves in an attempt to pacify during times of stress.

Some behaviors combine tactile and auditory pacification, such as the tapping of a pencil or the drumming of fingers.

Yawning not only is a form of “taking a deep breath,” but during stress, as the mouth gets dry, a yawn can put pressure on the salivary glands. The stretch of various structures in and around the mouth causes the glands to release moisture into a dry mouth during times of anxiety. In these cases it’s not lack of sleep, but rather stress, that causes the yawning.

Leg cleansing is one pacification behavior that often goes unnoticed because it frequently occurs under a desk or table. In this calming or pacifying activity, a person places the hand (or hands) palm down on top of the leg (or legs), and then slides them down the thighs toward the knee (see figure 16). Some individuals will do the “leg cleanser” only once, but often it is done repeatedly or the leg merely is massaged.

This behavior involves a person (usually a male) putting his fingers between his shirt collar and neck and pulling the fabric away from his skin (see figure 17). This ventilating action is often a reaction to stress and is a good indicator that the person is unhappy with something he is thinking about or experiencing in his environment. A woman may perform this nonverbal activity more subtly by merely ventilating the front of her blouse or by tossing the back of her hair up in the air to ventilate her neck.

When facing stressful circumstances, some individuals will pacify by crossing their arms and rubbing their hands against their shoulders, as if experiencing a chill. Watching a person employ this pacifying behavior is reminiscent of the way a mother hugs a young child.

Happy feet are feet and legs that wiggle and/or bounce with joy.

Happy feet are a high-confidence tell, a signal that a person feels he is getting what he wants or is in an advantageous position to gain something of value from another person or from something else in his environment

Moving feet and legs may simply signify impatience.

We tend to turn toward things we like or are agreeable to us, and that includes individuals with whom we are interacting. In fact, we can use this information to determine whether others are happy to see us or would prefer that we leave them alone.

Where one foot points and turns away during a conversation, this is a sign the person has to leave, precisely in that direction. This is an intention cue.

Clasping of the knees and shifting of weight on the feet is an intention cue that the person wants to get up and leave.

When the toes point upward as in this photograph, it usually means the person is in a good mood or is thinking or hearing something positive.

Gravity-defying behaviors of the feet and legs are rarely seen in people suffering from clinical depression. The body reflects precisely the emotional state of the individual.

One type of gravity-defying behavior that can be very informative to the astute observer is known as the starter’s position (see figure 21). This is an action in which a person moves his or her feet from a resting position (flat on the ground) to a ready or “starter’s” position with heel elevated and weight on the balls of the feet. This is an intention cue that tells us the person is getting ready to do something physical, requiring foot movement. It could mean the individual intends to engage you further, is really interested, or wants to leave.

When people find themselves in confrontational situations, their feet and legs will splay out, not only for greater balance but also to claim greater territory. This sends out a very strong message to the careful observer that at a minimum there are issues afoot or that there is potential for real trouble. When two people face off in disagreement, you will never see their legs crossed so that they are off balance.

If we catch ourselves in a leg-splay posture during a heated exchange and immediately bring our legs together, it often lessens the confrontation level and reduces the tension.

Standing with their feet together (which is perceived as submissive) sends the wrong kind of signal to a would-be antagonist.

All of us, however, are very protective of our personal space, regardless of its size. We don’t like it when people stand too close.

When people violate that space, we have powerful limbic reactions indicative of stress. Violations of personal space cause us to become hypervigilant; our pulse races and we may become flushed

I mention these space issues so that the next time someone stands too close or you violate someone’s space, you are aware of the negative limbic arousal that will take place.

Leg crossing is a particularly accurate barometer of how comfortable we feel around another person;

We also cross our legs in the presence of others when we are confident—and confidence is part of comfort.

When you cross one leg in front of the other while standing, you reduce your balance significantly. From a safety standpoint, if there were a real threat, you could neither freeze very easily nor run away because, in that stance, you are basically balanced on one foot. For this reason, the limbic brain allows us to perform this behavior only when we feel comfortable or confident.

We cross our legs in such a way so that we tilt toward the person we favor.

In the extreme stages of comfort during courtship, the feet will also engage the other person through subtle foot touches or caresses (see box 16). During courtship, and particularly while seated, a woman will often play with her shoes and dangle them from the tips of her toes when she feels comfortable with her companion.

When I first meet someone, I typically lean in, give the person a hearty handshake (depending on the appropriate cultural norms in the situation), make good eye contact, and then take a step back and see what happens next. One of three responses is likely to take place: (a) the person will remain in place, which lets me know he or she is comfortable at that distance; (b) the individual will take a step back or turn slightly away, which lets me know he or she needs more space or wants to be elsewhere; or (c) the person will actually take a step closer to me, which means he or she feels comfortable and/or favorable toward me.

Changes in walking style are important nonverbal behaviors because they warn us that something might be amiss,

If, however, someone’s feet are pointed away from you while his body faces toward you, you should ask yourself why. Despite the direction of the body, this is not a genuine cooperation profile and is indicative of several things that must be explored. Such a pose reflects either the person’s need to leave or get away soon, a disinterest in what is being discussed, an unwillingness to further assist, or a lack of commitment to what is being said.

Anytime there is a shift from foot jiggling to foot kicking in a seated person, according to Dr. Joe Kulis, it is a very good indicator that the person has seen or heard something negative and is not happy about it (see figure 27). While jiggling may be a show of nervousness, kicking is a subconscious way of combating the unpleasant.

If a person constantly wiggles or bounces his or her feet or leg(s) and suddenly stops, you need to take notice. This usually signifies that the individual is experiencing stress, an emotional change, or feels threatened in some way.

The foot freeze is another example of a limbic-controlled response, the tendency of an individual to stop activity when faced with danger.

When an individual suddenly turns his toes inward or interlocks his feet, it is a sign that he is insecure, anxious, and/or feels threatened.

Interlocking ankles is again part of the limbic response to freeze in the face of a threat.

Some individuals take the interlocking feet or ankles one step further; they actually lock their feet around the legs of their chair (see figure 29). This is a restraining (freeze) behavior that tells us, once again, that something is troubling the person

The foot lock is a freeze response and the leg rubbing is a pacifying behavior. The two, taken together, make it more likely that the person has been uncovered; he fears something he has done will be found out and he is experiencing stress because of this.

When an individual is standing next to someone who is being obnoxious or someone he does not like, his torso will lean away from that individual

We may also blade away (turn slightly) by degrees from that which does not appeal to us or we grow to dislike.

Our ventral (front) side, where our eyes, mouth, chest, breasts, genitals, etc. are located, is very sensitive to things we like and dislike. When things are good, we expose our ventral sides toward what we favor, including those people who make us feel good. When things go wrong, relationships change, or even when topics are discussed that we disfavor, we will engage in ventral denial, by shifting or turning away. The ventral side is the most vulnerable side of the body, so the limbic brain has an inherent need to protect it from the things that hurt or bother us.

People lean toward each other when there is high comfort and agreement. This mirroring or isopraxis starts when we are babies.

We lean away from things and people we don’t like, even from colleagues when they say things with which we don’t agree.

When it is impractical or socially unacceptable to lean away from someone or something we dislike, we often subconsciously use our arms or objects to act as barriers (see figure 32). Clothing or nearby objects (see box 21) also serve the same purpose. For instance, a businessmen may suddenly decide to button his jacket when talking to someone with whom he is uncomfortable, only to undo the jacket as soon as the conversation is over.

Crossed arms with hands tightly gripping the arms is definitely an indication of discomfort.

When you are upset, your digestive system no longer has as much blood as it needs for proper digestion. Just as your limbic system’s freeze, flight, or fight response shunts blood away from the skin, it likewise diverts blood from your digestive system, sending blood to your heart and limb muscles (especially the legs) to prepare for your escape. The upset stomach you feel is a symptom of that limbic arousal.

Clothing can be very descriptive, such as revealing when people are celebrating or mourning, if they are of high or low status, whether they conform to social norms or are part of a sect (e.g., Hasidic Jew, Amish farmer, or Hare Krishna). In a way, we are what we wear (see

Clothing needs to be considered in the overall scheme of nonverbal assessment. For that reason, it is important that we wear clothes that are congruent with the messages we want to send others, assuming we want to influence their behavior in a way that is positive or beneficial to us.

The phenomenon of poor grooming during illness and sadness has been noted around the world by anthropologists, social workers, and health-care providers. When the brain is saddened or we are ill, preening and presentation are among the first things to go

Splaying out on a couch or a chair is normally a sign of comfort. However, when there are serious issues to be discussed, splaying out is a territorial or dominance display

Splaying out is a territorial display, which is OK in your own home but not in the work place, especially during a job interview.

Humans, like many other creatures (including some lizards, birds, dogs, and our fellow primates), puff up their chests when trying to establish territorial dominance

When a person is under stress, the chest may be seen to heave or expand and contract rapidly. When the limbic system is aroused and engaged for flight or fight, the body attempts to take in as much oxygen as possible, either by breathing more deeply or by panting.

An honest and true response will cause both shoulders to rise sharply and equally. Expect people to give full (high) shoulder shrugs when they confidently support what they are saying. There is nothing wrong with saying, “I don’t know!” while both shoulders rise up toward the ear.

We use shoulder shrugs to indicate lack of knowledge or doubt. Look for both shoulders to rise; when only one side rises, the message is dubious.

Shoulders rising toward the ears causes the “turtle effect”; weakness, insecurity, and negative emotions are the message. Think of losing athletes walking back to the locker room.

You don’t need a gun to get people to raise their hands above their heads. Make them happy and they’ll do it automatically. In fact, during a holdup is probably the only time individuals will simultaneously keep their hands high and be unhappy. Think of how athletes exchange high fives after a good play; watch football fans raise their arms skyward after the hometown team scores a touchdown. Gravity-defying arm actions are a common response to joy and excitement. Whether in Brazil, Belize, Belgium, or Botswana, arm waving is a truly universal display of how elated we feel.

When people place their arms behind their backs, first they are saying, “I am of higher status.” Second, they are transmitting, “Please don’t come near me; I am not to be touched.”

Health, mood, mental development, and even longevity are said to be influenced by how much physical contact we have with others and how often positive touching takes place

You also see territorial displays in boardrooms or meeting rooms where one person will spread his material about and use his elbows to dominate a considerable piece of the conference table at the expense of others.

If you are new to an organization, watch for those individuals who either use their personal material (notebooks, calendars) or their arms to claim a larger piece of real estate than most. Even at the conference table, real estate is equated with power and status; so be observant for this nonverbal behavior and use it to assess an individual’s real or perceived status. Alternatively, the person who sits at the conference table with his elbows against his waist and arms draped between his legs sends a message of weakness and low confidence.

Arms akimbo is a powerful territorial display that can be used to establish dominance or to communicate that there are “issues.”

There is a variant to the traditional arms akimbo (which is usually performed with hands on hips with thumbs facing toward the back) in which the hands are placed on the hips, but the thumbs face forward (see figure 41 and 42). It is often seen when people are inquisitive, yet concerned.

Interlaced hands behind the head are indicative of comfort and dominance. Usually the senior person at a meeting will pose or “hood” this way.

In courtship behavior, the man will often be the first to put his arm around his date, particularly when there is a chance that other males might try to encroach on his woman. Or he will plant an arm behind his date and pivot around her so that no one can claim or violate this territory.

The surveys, conducted multiple times with multiple groups of men and women, concluded that tattoos were perceived by jurors as being low-status (low-class) adornments and/or vestiges of youthful indiscretion, which, in general, were not very well liked.

I give hugs freely because they transmit caring and affection so much more effectively than mere words.

When approaching a stranger for the first time, try demonstrating warmth by leaving your arms relaxed, preferably with the ventral side exposed and perhaps even with the palms of your hands clearly visible. This is a very powerful way of sending the message, “Hello, I mean no harm” to the other person’s limbic system. It is a great way of putting the other person at ease and facilitating any interaction that follows.

One of the best ways to establish rapport with someone is to touch that person on the arm, somewhere between the elbow and the shoulder.

Since human touch is so intimately involved in communication, when there is no touching between people, you should be concerned and wonder why.